I've seen several versions of this floating around the e-mail community.  I can't help but laugh out loud every time I read it over, so I'm including it here for your reading pleasure.  If your version is different, feel free to send me an update.


How to Write
Your Own Blues Song


1.  Most blues begin "woke up this morning."


2.  "Gots a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line:

I gots a good woman (harmonica fleedle)
With the meanest dog in town.


3.  Blues are simple.  After you have the first line right, repeat it. 
Then find something that rhymes.  Sort of:

Gots a good woman
With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weigh 'bout 500 pound.


4.  The blues are not about limitless choice or opportunity


5.  Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs.  Other acceptable
transportation:  Grehound Bus or 
Southbound Trains


6.  Teenagers can't sing the blues.  Adults sing the blues.  Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7.  You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard
times in Vermont or
North Dakota are just a depression.  Chicago, St. Louis
and Kansas City are
still the best places to have the blues.


8.  The following colors do not belong in the blues:


9.  You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, 
the lighting is all wrong.


10. Good places for the blues:
  a.  The highway
  b.  The jailhouse
  c.  The empty bed

     Bad Places:
  a.  Ashrams
  b.  Gallery Openings
  c.  Weekends in the Hamptons


11.  No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.  (Let's hear it for Barkin' Bill!)


12.  Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:
a.  Your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b.  You're blind
c.  You shot a man in Memphis
d.  You can't be satisfied  (or SASS-i-fied)

  No, if:
 a.  You were once blind, but now can see
 b.  You're deaf
 c.  You have a trust fund


13.  Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.


14.  If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.


Other blues beverages are:
 a.  "Wine" (in the class of:  Night Train, Red Lady 21, Ripple)
 b.  Irish Whiskey
 c.  Muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
 a.  Any mixed drink
 b.  Any wine kosher for Passover
 c.  Yoo Hoo (all flavors)


15.  If occurring in a cheap motel, bar, under a bridge or in a shack behind the truck stop, it's blues death.  Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.  So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room.

It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.


16.  Some blues names for women
 a.  Sadie
 b.  Big Mama
 c.  Bessie

    Some women's names NOT for the blues
  a.  Muffy
  b.  Amanda
  c.  Any name given by Frank Zappa


17.  Some blues names for men
 a.  Joe
 b.  Willie
 c.  Little Willie
 d.  Lightnin'

    Some men's names NOT for the blues
  a.  Scooter
  b.  Jose (or Hose B)
  c.  Name of any member of congress (exception:  Jesse)


Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


17b.  Other blues names (Starter Kit, add your own here)
a.  Adjective, Physical characteristic/infirmity
     (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic, Smilin')
b.  Name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Mellon)
     or nocturnal animal (bat, owl, opossum)
c.  Last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Washington, etc.)

   Mix and Match